The TacoBell Syndrome
The Taco Bell Syndrome™
by: Dan Rose Courtesy of Taco Bell
In the early 90's The Fast Food chain Taco Bell had introduced a new menu item targeted as a Healthy alternative
to their typically high fat high cholesterol offerings called The Taco Salad.
The Irony in hindsight is , of course , that this item was the fattest hugest be much Mo' Biggest thing they offered
callorie-wise to date ! LOL !
So I entered the Taco Bell and got in line for my first TacoSalad™.
The pimple-faced clerk with the gell glazed eyed stares at me expressionless and utters "May I help whose next" ...
Hmmm a curious start to a transaction , since I am clearly the "next" in line, his wording seemed a bit strange, but I'm ready to order since I clearly stood in a long line of people and was the one person he was looking at face to face at the exact moment that he had finished with the customer ahead of me , I decided to be very bold and place my order .
“Yes , I'd like a Taco Salad with Green Sauce.” The still expressionless kid stopped staring at the keys on the cash register and said in his best robot-laden voice :" we can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad " ... sensing that there was some kind of communication problem occuring here I , turned and looked at the anxious crowd of people pressing in on the register area to place their orders as this was the rush-hour of lunch-time , and mostly business types with suits and breifcases all riveted to the delay that was about to become a train-wreck in motion, you could read their eyes like a tele-prompter " well ... get on with it then " hurry up , I haven't got all day ! "( for some reason when I think of how they were thinking this I think of them with English accents , like a Monty Python skit ) ...
I turn back to my cashier and ask " Why can't you put green sauce on a Taco Salad...? " "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad" ... hmmm my mind is racing, is this Deja Vu, I know that he just said they can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad and he said back: "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad" ,...hmmm mind still racing , forehead scrunching up,hands the involuntary forming of a fist , blood preasure rising rapidly , trying to think of any one possible logical explanation of why they wouldn't be "ALLOWED" to put green sauce on this new flagship item that "HAS EVERYTHING ON IT" seems more than odd , and yes we clearly have a communication problem developing ... By this time I can tell that THEY are going to have a problem , not me , oh no ..., I was going to get what I came for and no pimple faced kid was going to stand in my way !!!...
By this time I could tell that with both of his hands in place on the register sides , like they were glued there or something and the motionless expressionless face with that I'm looking right through you glazed look , I was thinking I should reach over the counter and strangle this jerk , but if I grabbed his neck I was afraid that all 300 Zits on his face would explode and cause a grease fire in the kitchen or something , and then the Fire department would have to come out and I'd be arrested for damaging a robot or something ... siggghhh ...
So , I think , perhaps if I explain the process to the kid he might grasp on to it and get my order taken ( I could have been seated and eating by now ) ... Well , I'm not understanding YOUR problem with putting the green sauce on the Taco Salad ... the kid , without missing a beat without changing his expression repeats the same phrase he had been using before "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad"… Well this is going well eh … ?
Can I see your manager please …? Kid shouts over his shoulder and calls manager … manager arrives can see the line of by now VERY agitated customers and I standing firm my ground , must have been a sight to see by now , I wasn’t amused anymore I wasn’t inquisitive I wasn’t going to fool around anymore I WANTED MY DAMN TACO SALAD WITH GREEN SAUCE NOW !!! … first thing the manager says to me is what is the problem here …? I say , I ordered a Taco salad with green sauce and … I get cut off by the Manager … :" we can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad "
OK , at this point it should be funny I should be laughing at these guys but I’m not feelin’ the Love right now ,,,
So I , being the ever over-inquisitive guy that I am , have to ask , “ why can’t you put green sauce on my taco Salad…? Manager , Because the Taco Salad has lettuce on it “ …
( Well now there’s an explination I can get behind ! WTF !!!??? Hmmm … at this point , I turn to look at the angry mob with blood and daggers in their eyes hands on hips , looks of disgust anger , nostrils flared ready to attack and kill someone , probably ME ! … but I’m not leavin’ here without my Taco Salad WITH green sauce on it or someone is calling the Cops ! )
WHAT DOES LETTUCE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING ???!!!, I ask in an elevated voice … Well we’re not allowed to put green sauce on the lettuce … I said Why Not !? because the sauce is hot, and the lettuce is cold, says the manager ( note : the manager now is not capitalized , he’s just been demoted to a simple manager ) So now my racing mind is coming to a screeching halt and I know I’m about ready to really lose it in a public place , I’m about to start yelling , pounding on the counter and using foul language ( I can feel my eyes bulging , I can’t remember being this MAD ever before in my life ! )
Practically yelling I say , you make a Burrito Supreme , and it has lettuce and you can put green sauce in it !!! ( HA ! Now I’ve got him , I am going to WIN this argument , yessiree ! )
Manager says , yes , but THAT’S a Burrito. Suddenly I start to see the gell like glaze in his eyes, that I'm looking right through you glazed look , ( Could they BOTH be robots …?, perhaps they were robots from Outer Space…? )
Now I’m very firm , very slowly speaking in an obviously angry tone , Do I have to come in back and put the green sauce on myself …? Manager Sir , Customers are not allowed in the kitchen … I say This is ridiculous !!! How hard can it be , you take the ladle , you pour it on top , and you’re done ! Manager Sir we’re not “Allowed” to put green sauce on a Taco Salad …
OK I’ve absolutely had it, I turn and look at the Mob , several of them are plotting a coup , I think the guys in the second row are making weapons ready … I turn back to the manager , who is getting worried , because he probably thinks that “I” am nuts … or he can see the guys in the second row getting their weapons ready … Either way “I” have to be the one that wins this , ”I” have to be the one that applies logic and a thought process that’s worth a damn … I say , Look there has got to be someway that we can make this work …? … a long pause… ( by now the Mob is starting not just to grumble and moan at every question and answer , some are leaving the line , now three rows deep ) manager sees customers fleeing the TrainWreck ( and by now all Taco Bell workers in the kitchen have stopped working , with only 1 cash register the whole assembly line was stopped , and they were all standing at the ready arms folded watching their fearless leader, their manager handle this disaster, with all of the training that the corporation had given, him they knew he would win !)
Manager says , OK , I’ll put some green sauce in a paper cup , ( he picks up a water cup ) , and YOU can put the sauce on it yourself . My brain was absolutely beyond reason at this point , I couldn’t think logically anymore , all of those brain cells had been fused and my cortex was glowing red-hot like a nuclear radiation belt around my skull , I blurted out YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD THROWING A TANTRUM :” I DON’T WANT A PAPER-CUP !!! “
The entire place is dead silent …
My entire manhood fell off and landed on the tile floor with a gentle “thud.”
With tears in my eyes , I looked at the paralyzed manager with his mouth wide open , and politely said , “the cup will be fine …”
Then just like a factory coming back to life the cashier mumbled “That will be $3.29 sir” , the kitchen started making kitchen type of noises the Mob started making less Mobbish noises and the conversations started back up in the dining room as I was handed my Taco Salad and my paper cup of green sauce.
As I sat in my plastic chair , with my plastic tray and my plastic Spork , trying to take in what had just happened and why … It finally dawned on me that the entire planet had gone MAD and that I was the only sane person left on the face of the earth.
Since then I have encountered many more of the robots from outer space, and I’m sure that they have almost completely taken over the entire planet. Just the other day ,( August 2007 ) , ( my wife was cooking an Asian dish that required a specific Chinese Vinegar that comes in a small bottle , 10 > 12 oz. Or so . ) as I was leaving the Grocery store ,The bag-boy after placing the single bottle of vinegar in the plastic bag , looked at me with the gell like glaze in his eyes, that I'm looking right through you glazed look … and said “ Would you like help out with that sir…?”
For a brief moment my mind raced at all of the things I could say , all of the questions I wanted to ask him … I stopped , took a deep slow breath , and politely said “ no thanks , I’m OK” …
As I walked through the parking lot , I looked up and could see the stars so clearly , not much comfort came from knowing that “we are not alone” … but the questions still come … why did they send the robots…? , are they preparing us through the evolutionary process to quit using our ability to reason…? , to ask why …?, to have expectations that are pre-programed , and pre-packaged …? Have we become … The Robots…?
Leading me to think that :
“You Can’t Get There From Here”
by: Dan Rose Courtesy of Taco Bell
In the early 90's The Fast Food chain Taco Bell had introduced a new menu item targeted as a Healthy alternative
to their typically high fat high cholesterol offerings called The Taco Salad.
The Irony in hindsight is , of course , that this item was the fattest hugest be much Mo' Biggest thing they offered
callorie-wise to date ! LOL !
So I entered the Taco Bell and got in line for my first TacoSalad™.
The pimple-faced clerk with the gell glazed eyed stares at me expressionless and utters "May I help whose next" ...
Hmmm a curious start to a transaction , since I am clearly the "next" in line, his wording seemed a bit strange, but I'm ready to order since I clearly stood in a long line of people and was the one person he was looking at face to face at the exact moment that he had finished with the customer ahead of me , I decided to be very bold and place my order .
“Yes , I'd like a Taco Salad with Green Sauce.” The still expressionless kid stopped staring at the keys on the cash register and said in his best robot-laden voice :" we can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad " ... sensing that there was some kind of communication problem occuring here I , turned and looked at the anxious crowd of people pressing in on the register area to place their orders as this was the rush-hour of lunch-time , and mostly business types with suits and breifcases all riveted to the delay that was about to become a train-wreck in motion, you could read their eyes like a tele-prompter " well ... get on with it then " hurry up , I haven't got all day ! "( for some reason when I think of how they were thinking this I think of them with English accents , like a Monty Python skit ) ...
I turn back to my cashier and ask " Why can't you put green sauce on a Taco Salad...? " "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad" ... hmmm my mind is racing, is this Deja Vu, I know that he just said they can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad and he said back: "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad" ,...hmmm mind still racing , forehead scrunching up,hands the involuntary forming of a fist , blood preasure rising rapidly , trying to think of any one possible logical explanation of why they wouldn't be "ALLOWED" to put green sauce on this new flagship item that "HAS EVERYTHING ON IT" seems more than odd , and yes we clearly have a communication problem developing ... By this time I can tell that THEY are going to have a problem , not me , oh no ..., I was going to get what I came for and no pimple faced kid was going to stand in my way !!!...
By this time I could tell that with both of his hands in place on the register sides , like they were glued there or something and the motionless expressionless face with that I'm looking right through you glazed look , I was thinking I should reach over the counter and strangle this jerk , but if I grabbed his neck I was afraid that all 300 Zits on his face would explode and cause a grease fire in the kitchen or something , and then the Fire department would have to come out and I'd be arrested for damaging a robot or something ... siggghhh ...
So , I think , perhaps if I explain the process to the kid he might grasp on to it and get my order taken ( I could have been seated and eating by now ) ... Well , I'm not understanding YOUR problem with putting the green sauce on the Taco Salad ... the kid , without missing a beat without changing his expression repeats the same phrase he had been using before "Sir , we're not allowed to put green sauce on a Taco Salad"… Well this is going well eh … ?
Can I see your manager please …? Kid shouts over his shoulder and calls manager … manager arrives can see the line of by now VERY agitated customers and I standing firm my ground , must have been a sight to see by now , I wasn’t amused anymore I wasn’t inquisitive I wasn’t going to fool around anymore I WANTED MY DAMN TACO SALAD WITH GREEN SAUCE NOW !!! … first thing the manager says to me is what is the problem here …? I say , I ordered a Taco salad with green sauce and … I get cut off by the Manager … :" we can't put green sauce on a Taco Salad "
OK , at this point it should be funny I should be laughing at these guys but I’m not feelin’ the Love right now ,,,
So I , being the ever over-inquisitive guy that I am , have to ask , “ why can’t you put green sauce on my taco Salad…? Manager , Because the Taco Salad has lettuce on it “ …
( Well now there’s an explination I can get behind ! WTF !!!??? Hmmm … at this point , I turn to look at the angry mob with blood and daggers in their eyes hands on hips , looks of disgust anger , nostrils flared ready to attack and kill someone , probably ME ! … but I’m not leavin’ here without my Taco Salad WITH green sauce on it or someone is calling the Cops ! )
WHAT DOES LETTUCE HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING ???!!!, I ask in an elevated voice … Well we’re not allowed to put green sauce on the lettuce … I said Why Not !? because the sauce is hot, and the lettuce is cold, says the manager ( note : the manager now is not capitalized , he’s just been demoted to a simple manager ) So now my racing mind is coming to a screeching halt and I know I’m about ready to really lose it in a public place , I’m about to start yelling , pounding on the counter and using foul language ( I can feel my eyes bulging , I can’t remember being this MAD ever before in my life ! )
Practically yelling I say , you make a Burrito Supreme , and it has lettuce and you can put green sauce in it !!! ( HA ! Now I’ve got him , I am going to WIN this argument , yessiree ! )
Manager says , yes , but THAT’S a Burrito. Suddenly I start to see the gell like glaze in his eyes, that I'm looking right through you glazed look , ( Could they BOTH be robots …?, perhaps they were robots from Outer Space…? )
Now I’m very firm , very slowly speaking in an obviously angry tone , Do I have to come in back and put the green sauce on myself …? Manager Sir , Customers are not allowed in the kitchen … I say This is ridiculous !!! How hard can it be , you take the ladle , you pour it on top , and you’re done ! Manager Sir we’re not “Allowed” to put green sauce on a Taco Salad …
OK I’ve absolutely had it, I turn and look at the Mob , several of them are plotting a coup , I think the guys in the second row are making weapons ready … I turn back to the manager , who is getting worried , because he probably thinks that “I” am nuts … or he can see the guys in the second row getting their weapons ready … Either way “I” have to be the one that wins this , ”I” have to be the one that applies logic and a thought process that’s worth a damn … I say , Look there has got to be someway that we can make this work …? … a long pause… ( by now the Mob is starting not just to grumble and moan at every question and answer , some are leaving the line , now three rows deep ) manager sees customers fleeing the TrainWreck ( and by now all Taco Bell workers in the kitchen have stopped working , with only 1 cash register the whole assembly line was stopped , and they were all standing at the ready arms folded watching their fearless leader, their manager handle this disaster, with all of the training that the corporation had given, him they knew he would win !)
Manager says , OK , I’ll put some green sauce in a paper cup , ( he picks up a water cup ) , and YOU can put the sauce on it yourself . My brain was absolutely beyond reason at this point , I couldn’t think logically anymore , all of those brain cells had been fused and my cortex was glowing red-hot like a nuclear radiation belt around my skull , I blurted out YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD THROWING A TANTRUM :” I DON’T WANT A PAPER-CUP !!! “
The entire place is dead silent …
My entire manhood fell off and landed on the tile floor with a gentle “thud.”
With tears in my eyes , I looked at the paralyzed manager with his mouth wide open , and politely said , “the cup will be fine …”
Then just like a factory coming back to life the cashier mumbled “That will be $3.29 sir” , the kitchen started making kitchen type of noises the Mob started making less Mobbish noises and the conversations started back up in the dining room as I was handed my Taco Salad and my paper cup of green sauce.
As I sat in my plastic chair , with my plastic tray and my plastic Spork , trying to take in what had just happened and why … It finally dawned on me that the entire planet had gone MAD and that I was the only sane person left on the face of the earth.
Since then I have encountered many more of the robots from outer space, and I’m sure that they have almost completely taken over the entire planet. Just the other day ,( August 2007 ) , ( my wife was cooking an Asian dish that required a specific Chinese Vinegar that comes in a small bottle , 10 > 12 oz. Or so . ) as I was leaving the Grocery store ,The bag-boy after placing the single bottle of vinegar in the plastic bag , looked at me with the gell like glaze in his eyes, that I'm looking right through you glazed look … and said “ Would you like help out with that sir…?”
For a brief moment my mind raced at all of the things I could say , all of the questions I wanted to ask him … I stopped , took a deep slow breath , and politely said “ no thanks , I’m OK” …
As I walked through the parking lot , I looked up and could see the stars so clearly , not much comfort came from knowing that “we are not alone” … but the questions still come … why did they send the robots…? , are they preparing us through the evolutionary process to quit using our ability to reason…? , to ask why …?, to have expectations that are pre-programed , and pre-packaged …? Have we become … The Robots…?
Leading me to think that :
“You Can’t Get There From Here”
01-30-2020 : update :Looks like , you still Can't get there from here ! What Marketing nerds thought it would be a good idea to quit serving one of their flagship items , that just happened to be the almost redeeming quality of a Green Bean & Cheese Burro or a green tostada ...? The clerk told me they no longer carry Green Sauce , so I asked , are you going out of business ...? he said no , and my reply was to laugh loudly and say whats next , wilol you discontinue Tacos ...??? nI put my wallet back in my pocket and left ... I've been going to Taco Bell since the mid 1960's , sad to watch this store self destruct ...
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