Napoleon Bonaparte
"Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence."
Napoleon Bonaparte
Sunday, September 19, 2021
Dairy Queen Gravy ...
Dairy Queen Gravy
by: Tim
Rose
I went to a Dairy Queen. They have the best chicken strips
around - MMMMMM chicken strips. The reason they are the best is because instead
of serving them with BBQ sauce or honey mustard or some other sodium benzoate
goop, they serve the chicken strips with HOT homestyle white gravy - southern
style! YEAH!
However on this occasion, I wasn't extremely hungry and I was
short on cash, I decided to order the 'kid's meal' version which had 2 strips
instead of 4 and was about 3 bucks with a drink and fries. When I ordered it, I
of course, requested that it come with the gravy - and plenty of it because
chicken strips without gravy are...well, ...McNuggets.
So the classic Taco Bell response was - " Sorry we don't
serve gravy with the chicken strips." To which my obvious reply was
"Do you no longer have the ability to make gravy?" No, we have lots
of gravy, we just don't serve it with the kid's meal. Ok, can I have some gravy
with my kids meal? No. Why do you not serve the gravy with the kids meal? Because the gravy is HOT.
Exactly. That is kind of
the point of having gravy with the chicken strips.
We can’t serve gravy with the kids meal.
If I were to order the large serving of chicken strips,
would I be able to get the HOT gravy?
Yes.
Then how about giving me the HOT gravy with my kids meal? We cant serve gravy with
the kids meal Ok, I'll bite - WHY NOT?
Because kids might burn themselves.
Ok, but it is for me - I am clearly an adult there are no
children with me and I cross my heart that I wont go out and resell it to some
wandering 8-year old out on the street and you just said you would give me the
gravy if I ordered the larger size. So if it is ok for me to burn myself with a
large order, can I not have the freedom to burn myself with the kids meal?
We can’t serve gravy with the kids meal.
Is the gravy a controlled substance? How about if I order the
kids meal and request a side-order of gravy?
Sure, we can do that.
So I paid the extra $.50 - but I had HOT gravy...
I think I burned my
tongue.
We Are NOT Alone , The MotherShip...
We Are Not Alone by:
Dan Rose
Summer of '72...
... the North Side of Scottsdale AZ
didn't exist at that time ... Pima Road was a dirt rd and Bell Rd was also ...
The cliques in high-school back then
were fairly distinct ... you were either a :
Jock - Sports & School Spirit
CowBoy - boots , hats , chew
Pencil-Geek ( Nerd )
Square - Straight laced
Head - Hippy / Doper / Surfer Dude
Lou - Loser
Rich - Rich Snobs
OK , I was a "Head" ... 
Any how the area of Bell & Pima was
a notorious "boondock-party" area that was very cool set-up for
stoner teenagers ... The CowBoys had their Bonfire party with about 30 guys
drinkin' Coors and standin around sayin stuff like .. whuttt ...? ...
...anyhow ... the guys that wanted to
light-up went just past the CowBoys to hang out have a couple Miller
High-Lifes' and toke a doobie ... The CowBoys didn't mind this arrangement and
when one of the two Scottsdale Police Officers showed up and told them to pour
out their Coors and go home , we had enough warning to make sure that no Bob
Marley odors were in the air by then and slip out a while later.
This ONE particular night Myself and
Charlie & Steve & Jim went to "The Majeem" ( Mu-gheeem "
) I don't remember where this came from , just our nick-name for a geographic
area to party at night in peace.
We got there early that night , passed
the CowBoys , waved ... got to the big berm that is now The Central Arizona
Project Canal bank ( water from the Colorado River ) ... rolled over it and
parked .
BEFORE we could crack a cold one , BEFORE
we lit a Jay , There it was , right in front of us zooming at our direction
with very intense speed and ... quiet ... no dust no wind no noise of any kind
, all of the desert animal sounds were silent , we could no longer hear the
CowBoys party.
Have You ever seen Close
Encounters of The Third Kind ...? Remember The Mother Ship ...?
Hmmm ... All of us were silent . We
stared at this huge THING in front of us bigger than any airplane we had ever
seen , more like a Cruise ship suspended right in front of us , with , yes ,
all the pretty lights and immense proportions ,
It was there for only about 30 seconds just THERE , just sitting there 30 ft
off the ground , whoosh ... as fast as we could comprehend it leaving us to the
north and then veering to the East it left us . Not any SOUND ! ...??? no wind
no dust no physical normal signs that a thing as big as 2 football fields had
just left at thousands of miles per hour. We were all in shock ... I remember
that slowly the desert noises started comming back , the Cicadas, the Quail
cooing the breeze through the Creosote bushes etc ... We all looked at
eachother and all said in unison WHOAAAAH !!!
WTF was that
...???!!!
As we were leaving we drove by the
smoldering campfire where the CowBoys had been only a few moments ago. ( I
think we went to Taco Bell and went home early that night. )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few years ago I called Charlie and
asked , hey Charlie , do you remember that night in '72 when ... "Yup"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can not explain it. I can not tell
you what it was. I can without any hesitation in this world tell you:
"We are NOT
Alone"
SpaceAge
You Can't Get That Dessert from here...
You
Can’t Get That Dessert From Here !
Carls
Jr. “The CheezeCake Chronicles™”
By: Dave Rose
On a warm day years ago when I was errand-boy
for my Dad, I found myself driving down Miller Road in Scottsdale. It was
about lunchtime, and I was probably on my way back from some task for
Dad. (More than likely, it was after lunchtime, and I was probably hungry
because I had slept in past noon and missed the free salt-laden Luby's lunch
with Dad and Al Stevens.) I passed the Carl's Jr., but I didn't consciously
seek to stop in. I do like most of their menu, but prices were higher
than most other fast food joints, and a loser like me needed to save his last
three dollars for the inevitable six-pack of Milwaukee's Best later that
night. Anyway, I wasn't planning on stopping, but my peripheral
vision saw the word FREE in two-foot high letters painted on one of their
front windows, and my head snapped over as I passed and
I quickly read the advertisment. Ahh, a deal, I said; let's check
it out!
I deftly reversed direction and entered the establishment only a
moment later. Since it was the "dead hours" (post-lunch,
pre-dinner) the lobby was empty. In fact, the entire restaurant was
eerily quiet. I did note later one occupied table in the back of the place,
but no one else was to be seen. I double-checked the deal painted in the
window (yes, I can read backwards) and also noted a stand-up card advertising
the meal on the counter. Clearly, this was a promotion that all at the
store level knew, or should have known about. The deal was get
a free slice of cheesecake (might have been a new item; not sure) when you
order the combo with the featured sandwich. I think it was some kind of
burg with green chiles on it or something similar. Anyway, I think it
was a new sandwich on their menu, and the store had taken great pains to get me
to try it. I mean, paint the windows and give away a pie, too?
Cool!
So, after confirming that THE DEAL sounded edible and determining
I could afford it (and still have three dollars left over for later), I moved
up to the counter and assumed the "Well, I'm here at the most obvious
register available-looking hungry-got my money in my hand-where's the
ordertaker dude so we can get moving" look. Presently, a
Grandma-aged employee shuffled up and amiably greeted me.
I told her I was driving by and the deal in the window caught my
eye, especially the part about the cheesecake, as I pointed to the picture on
the counter-card in front of us. I clearly stated I wanted the Sante
Fe Combo Deal, or whatever it was called. She asked the inevitable
"For here or to go?" and I replied "To go, please", as I
had no desire to spend more time in this dead zone listening to the Bee Gees or
Carly Simon on their Muzak system. She took my money, accurately
gave me my change (!) and said that will be out right away, etc. Then she
handed me a triangular plastic wedge with a number on it, proclaiming I was
number 32. This should have been my first clue all was not well here.
Even the novice Carl's Jr. customer knows that a FOR HERE order gets the wedge,
so you can place it on your table and they will actually bring your
meal to you. A TO GO customer gets a plastic bookmark with
differently sequenced number on it that you use as a "claim ticket"
when they announce your TO GO order is ready. Actually a pretty efficient
system when properly employed in a busy diner because it clears the
lobby a bit - you can sit down (FOR HERE) or hang out further away
(TO GO) while filling your soda cup and scanning for babes, etc. without
worrying about your order sitting on the counter, cooling and unclaimed,
because you missed that five second window of eye contact when they look for
you and don't see you 'cause you're in the bathroom.......
Anyway, I filled my cup with carbonated high-fructose corn syrup
and obediently sat down in the booth adjacent to the drink station, positioning
my number wedge properly for all to see. Several minutes pass as
the speakers shift from Wham! to Barry Manilow. Please!
Get me outta here! And then the Grandma arrives with my burger and
fries on a tray; as if I wanted to stay! She places the tray on the
table, takes back the wedge, and meanders back behind the counter and
disappears. I was thinking, well, whatever, I'll just grab some napkins
and go anyway. Then I notice, duh, the much-anticipated cheesecake is
MISSING. How can this be? Do I have to eat my meal and claim the
slice as my prize for finishing? Does Grandma just want to be sure I
don't eat it first? No, of course not, she just forgot. I have to
get up anyway; I'll ask her to get it for me on my way out. Maybe ask for
a bag, too, if it's not too much trouble.
After a bit of waiting, Grandma reappears and asks if there's
something else. I explain about the missing cheesecake, and she says I
didn't order the cheesecake. I told her I clearly ordered THE DEAL in the
window and even had commented about trying a new dessert item by pointing
to the picture. She recalls no such event. I tell her, look,
I came in solely because of the ad, I ordered the item in the ad, I paid for
the items in the ad, I would like the cheesecake, please. She
attempts to look at the register receipt to see if in fact it was THE DEAL that
I ordered, can't figure out how to do it, and turns away mumbling something
about getting the manager.
I don't know what she said or didn't say, but Manager came out
with a bit of a "What Now" look on his face instead of the expected
"How May I Help" look. He says, "Grandma (or Carol
or whatever) says you didn't get your cheesecake" and I said that's
right. He says, "Well, in order to get the free cheesecake you
needed to order the New Santa Fe Combo (or whatever THE DEAL's real name
was) and you ordered the Albuquerque Combo (or some such equivalent) and that
doesn't come with the free cheesecake. So I repeated to him about how
when I ordered I told "Carol" that I had seen the ad in the window
that was lovingly painted by a professional, how I had pointed to the picture
card on the counter and mentioned my anticipation for a rare dessert
to be added to my fast food diet and I don't how I possibly could have said, or
misspoke, or been misheard to say "Albuquerque Combo" instead of
"Santa Fe Combo", but I suppose anything's possible. He
said "Well, I don't like that you're hassling my employee". I
said I hadn't hassled anyone, I just wanted the free cheesecake, whatever the
meal is that gets me that, that's what I came in for. Besides,
I added, I asked for the meal to be prepared TO GO, not FOR HERE, so I'm
betting that "Carol" just typed it in wrong or something, it's
not that big a deal. I suggested we start over and make the right
sandwich so I can get the cheesecake or, since I've already been here ten
minutes and so you don't have to throw anything away, just stick with this
burger here, either way is okay with me. With the merest of grunts
and a dirty look, Manager, with incredibly polished precision,
reaches under the counter, grabs the correct bag, pops it open with one snap of
the wrist, jams the burger in the bottom and crams the fries on top, spins and
stoops 180 degress to the reach-in cooler behind him, snaps out the offending
cheesecake, spins back and literally, and I mean literally throws the dessert
in the bag. POP! SCRUNCH! SLAP! BAM! Then he says, and I am NOT
making this up "Now get the Hell out of my restaurant and don't come
back!"
For about one full second I fight through the shock of his
reaction and prepare to hurl an appropriate epithet in return. Then I
scan my brain for a snippet of any possible training in my storied restaurant
experience that would account for Manager to be justified in his actions.
There is no such thing. In the next second I recognize that well, I
got my cheesecake, my burger's now in a bag, and I've been told my presence in
no longer appreciated. Common sense prevails and without more than
a curt "Thank You" I turn and leave.
I wasn't until later that I have decided that "Carol"
probably, in her confusion, relayed the story to Manager with some exaggeration
or untruths, or perhaps she really did interpret my questioning as being more
impolite than it was, I don't know. But for Manager to handle the
situation the way he did was just uncalled for. I never did return
to that store.
When I got back to the office or wherever I ate the prized
cheesecake, it wasn't until then that I realized, or course, that I didn't get
a fork. Sigh.....
Saturday, September 4, 2021
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